We were sitting in your car. We were parked at one of the nicest spots in the campus. It was already late and the night was peaceful. You held my hand and asked me what I really feel about you.
I liked you, hell I’ve already fallen in love with you at that point. I knew then that I was about to fall even deeper. But I didn’t know that the hole I was about to fall into was one with nasty creatures ready to swallow me until I lose myself and forget who I really am. You broke me. But in that moment, I didn’t know you’re capable of doing it. Had I known I’d feel so broken now, I would’ve opened your car’s door and left. I should’ve left then.
But no, I was really into you back then. I convinced myself that whatever mess you’re in, I’ll be with you and I didn’t care about your past or whoever you’ve been with and what matters is how we feel about each other. Cliché as it may seem, but I felt safe with you then. I felt that as long as we work on things together, we’ll get through them. And so I let you take my hand, my heart in it, and slowly crush it until there’s nothing left but the faint sounds of its beats.
I finally told you then that after weeks of mind games and silly conversations I’m ready to be with you. That I trust you enough to believe what you’ve said that you’d work on things to give me what I deserve in a relationship. That you know I deserve the best and I deserve to be loved. That you want to be with me and you want to build something special with me. And look where that has gotten me now.
Why did you have to mention marriage? Why did you have to mention a life together? Why did you have to make me believe that one day, you’ll tell your family about us and you’re so proud of me that you’d tell the most important people in your life that I’m one of them. That I’m special and I’m important and I matter the most. I did not. I don’t.
I guess I’m just this bitter because I can’t believe I was so stupid to trust you in everything you’ve said and done. I should’ve known better. I take pride to the fact that I am a pretty smart person (heh), but with you I wasn’t. I hate the fact that I let you do that to me. I let you make me lose myself in the process. And right now, I’m just so full of hatred towards you. I’m looking forward to not feel this way. I’m looking forward to not feel anything at all towards you. I wish the time that I no longer care about you in any way would come fast.
After telling you what I felt towards you, on that ironically peaceful night when we were inside your car, I fell silent. I had to pause for a few seconds and breathe. And then you finally spoke and broke the silence. You told me that you feel the same way. I was glad then. But I was a bit scared at the same time. So I wanted to get out of that suffocating space and just breathe in the night’s offering of fresh air. I should’ve done that. We should’ve just pretended nothing happened. We were good as friends. I wish we didn’t ruin that connection. We could’ve saved ourselves from these fucked-up emotions.
